what do i do?
Saturday, 13 June 2015
@ 08:46
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Assalamualaikum.


Tonight, I won’t be saying that it’s his fault, or that it’s his fault, because I know and I realize that this is my fault. I’m very aware of that. But I just need to let it out. Oh God with school just a day away, I just need to calm my weary heart.

So two days ago I tweeted and told God that I’m having a fresh new start (since the Holy month is just around the corner, why not?). This basically means that I am forgiving everyone and I am moving on from everything that has been holding me back. This also means that I am not going to care about what Farriz or Syazwan will do after this because I have forgiven their mistakes and that they now, no longer have anything to do with me.

But what happened tonight was like a, 180 degree turn from what I told myself. I don’t what has gotten into me but my fingers just clicked on Syazwan’s twitter page and I just stalked him. it’s not because I miss him or I miss the attention that he used to give me, but it was because lately, he’s been favourite-ing every tweet that I tweeted—well, not every, but yeah kind of. What’s wrong with that? Yes, I know right what is the problem?

The problem is, I have been doing so well without him and without Farriz, and my life was great! I get to spend some quality time with my family, and I get to read books! But then when I tweet something or when I retweet something, I would get notifications from him saying that he retweeted what I just retweeted or the he favourited a tweet that I tweeted. I know, there’s nothing wrong with that. But then I would get this feeling in my heart and my mind would say, “How’s he doing now?”

At times I get to control myself and not click on his icon, but then tonight I just don’t know what happen. Maybe because I thought that I was completely, 100% over him. But guess what? HA. I’m not. No I’m not saying that I’m not over him, I’m in the process of getting over him. Yes, that’s better.

I often see him mention-ing with this girl, who later I got to know that she’s his niece. I don’t really care to be honest but then I saw the length of his replies with her and compared them to when he was messaging with me. And it made me feel so bad to be honest, it made me feel as if I’m not worthy of him time. I tried not to care but oh gosh, my burning heart.

So when I returned home on twitter, my hands moved on its own and typed, “Terigt satu time ni when aku tgh ws dgn dia reply punya la sepatah patah satgi nmpk dia tgh mention dgn minah lain reply mcm karangan” With no hesitation I pressed the tweet button and continued by typing, “Aduh sakit hati dia mcm nk lempang smpi terbang ke Africa supaya tk nmpk dh muka dia [insert laughing while crying emoji]”

I felt very satisfied but somehow my heart was racing and I have this feeling as if I just did something wrong. A side of me hoped that he saw it and realize how I felt while messaging with him and hoped that he would feel bad and message me saying that he’s sorry and all, but another side of me wanted to delete those tweets because what good would it bring even if he saw them?

But stupid of me, I followed what syaiton said and let them tweets be. Unfortunately, he saw those tweets and favourited them. I was happy, but I felt bad. Because again! He’s such a nice girl and I’m a hypocrite. So I deleted them. And so I scrolled twitter and guess what? Farriz tweeted, “well tgk la how she treat me and how you treat me hiks J”

I was shocked that he thought those tweets were about him. I wanted to tweet, “eh terasa pula? Bukan utk dia pun LOL” but then again, if I did, things would only get worse kan? Even though my pride says to tweet it and show him who’s boss, it would be better if I don’t and just let him have it his way.


The thing that gets me down is this: I hurt Syazwan, Farriz hurt me. Funny isn’t it?


Not only that, I thought that the reason why the relationship between Farriz and I ended like that, is literally because he got bored of me. If that’s the only reason why, then I wouldn’t be so mad because I kind of saw it coming already. But get this: while he was talking with me, he was talking to some other girl too. No wonder he would get bored!


I felt my heart racing again and my mind getting all hectic, and decided that I need a good talk with God. So I did. I prayed and talk with Him. And I prayed and prayed and prayed to God that he would get rid of these lingering feelings that I still have for Farriz and Syazwan, doesn’t matter what it is. I just want these feelings to go away so that when I see them at school, I won’t feel anything at all.



I just want God to ease this uneasiness feeling in my heart. I know that it’s my fault, and I am clearly aware of that. And I just want God to get rid of the hurt that I’ve caused Syazwan. He did nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all. It’s true; he was once the cause of why I was crying. But he didn’t know that, and I’m sure he didn’t mean any of it. He deserves better, he really do.


And I just wish, that God would get rid of these feelings that I have for them so that whatever happened after this, I won’t care.







xo






(P/s: pride is a horrible thing. I would do anything to be reborn without any pride. Pride hurts others. And just when you thought that you have won, you realized that you lost. And in the end, pride hurts you the most.)

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