Tuesday, 2 June 2015
@ 02:37
comment?(0)
Assalamualaikum.
June has arrived and I honestly feel so,
emotionally unstable. Sorry, that’s not quite right. I’m not sure—I feel
stabilized, but at the same time there are a lot of things in my head right now
since a lot of things have been going on since my last blog post. I swear. It is
so tiring, I am so tired I just want
to rest my head, but for some reason I just can’t. Sucks.
I wrote a little something on my phone
yesterday because I just feel as if I needed to get a few things out. But somehow
I still feel a little bit suffocated, and I thought that maybe this post will
actually ease me a little bit, but I honestly don’t know where I should start
hahaha. I want to write everything from A to Z but I feel like if I do, then I would
get pretty depressed so; let’s not.
But long story short: a certain someone
came back and asked for a second chance. Despite everything that I’ve been
through, I gave him that second chance because let’s be real, deep down I still
have a soft spot for him in my heart. However, after a week, I’ve noticed a few
changes in him and confronted him after a talk with a good friend and got my
heart broken for the second time.
And yes; I bawled my eyes out that night.
Woke up the next day with such sore eyes
and an exhausted heart at 3AM, did my tahajjud and hajat, and kind of cried
again. I told myself that morning that this will be the last time that I will
ever trust a guys’ words. I’m just, really tired you know? I realized that I fall
very easily and that I give people my trust very easily too. And you know,
maybe that’s why I get sad often. I’m just, very easy. And when you’re so easy,
people get bored easily too. Nobody likes an easy game. They like games that
are fun and challenging. And I’m none of them.
I know the type of girl I am. I’m the
nice girl who’s not that close with guys and doesn’t really know how to
communicate with guys like the rest of my friends. I’m the type of girl who
seems really fun on the phone, but is very awkward in person. I’m the girl who’s
very boring and things like studies interest me. I’m the girl who likes things
that other girls don’t such as: k-pop bands, boy bands, gay otps, animes, and
weird love adult novel like Norwegian Wood etc. I’m the over sensitive girl who
if you don’t text me first or if your replies are getting shorter and shorter I
became doubtful of you and I’m that girl who always thinks worst of you and I’m
clingy and needs your attention and oh I’m just so, so, so horrible.
I’m nothing decent.
And sometimes I just question myself: why
do you even bother falling in love with somebody who deserves so much better
than you? I sometimes believe that I am unfit for any relationships. Be it a
relationship where I actually admit that I am the girlfriend of somebody or a
skinny love relationship. I am just not qualified enough.
Therefore, after this, I am not going to
believe a thing that comes out of a guy’s mouth. Unless there are like, at
least two girls who back him up then okay maybe I will trust him. But I swear
this time around I’m not going to trust anybody 100%. I’m just done believing.
What’s the point in believing if in the end you’re just going to get hurt? And I’m
not going to give anybody second chances. I’m tired. Yes, sometimes people
deserve a second chance but, God—I’m just done.
I’m not saying that I’m going to treat
every guy badly, because it’s just not fair for them you know? But I’m just
going to keep a barrier between us so that none of us falls for each other be
it me or the other party. The same goes for Farriz and Syazwan. It’s such a
pity though; they’re just so precious to me. Especially Syazwan, he did nothing
wrong to me.
But you know what? I’ve trusted Farriz the
moment we started to get close. I continue trusting him even when we were
fighting. Even after all of the stories that I’ve heard about me, I keep on
trusting him. I trust him bad enough to give him a second chance. But because
of him, I’m done believing. He showed me why I shouldn’t believe anymore and I thank
you for that. He showed me what type of girl I am and I realized now that I’m
just not suited for any kind of guy.
Funny how I told myself that if I have a
guy around me, he would only make me become more and more insecure about other
girls. But the reality is: even when there are no guys around me, I still get
very insecure of other girls. That’s just me, perks of being Aida ha ha ha.
xo
(P/s: this is the first time I put their
name on a post oh my God I hope nobody knows about this blog eep!!)
Labels: daily rant of wan aida, f:farriz, f:syazwan, guy problems, note to self
