Saturday, 16 May 2015
@ 10:19
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Assalamualaikum.
As I was in the struggle of forgetting an old
heartbreak, another man came into my life. I never expected any of this to
happen. When I thought we were just friends, he has something else for me.
There was never any intention of mine to use his feelings to make it easier for
me to forget the old heartbreak, or to take his feelings for granted. I told
him that all I wanted to see was efforts, and he convinced me that he’s going
to try.
After a few days, as promised, we went out
together with Aida Nadhirah and a few of his friends to Secret Recipe. There, I
would be lying if I said that my heart wasn’t beating. He looked different from
when he wore his uniform. Of course he would, but I did not expect for him to
look good. I really wasn’t, as a part of my heart was still feeling sorrow for
the old heartbreak.
The days went on with me expecting a message
from here every now and then. But one day somehow it ended up being me the one
who always text him first, just because I wanted his attention, and I wanted to
talk with him.
Being the girl that I am, consistency and
effort are important. As we kept on keeping in touch of each other with me
texting him first, I notice that his replies are now shorter than before, and
it made me feel as if I’m disturbing him in the middle of something, or that
he’s bored with me. Negative thoughts crept into my mind the moment that I
start to think about them, and it’s hard to stop them as I get influenced by
energies around me easily. But I tried my hardest to not think anything stupid
and kept on doing what I was doing.
But as I said, it was hard to stop these
negative thinking.
One day, I felt as if it was all a lie. I felt
as if he’s just trying the girls that seemed available, I felt like he was
taking advantage of me. But then around 3 in the morning, I received a message
from him saying that he’s hospitalized, maybe because of his appendix. I felt
horrible. So then I spent the rest of the day thinking how he’s doing, is he
okay? Was his appendix problem that bad? How long will he be hospitalized? Does
he need to go under any operation? Will he be okay?
The moment I finished lunch, I searched for my
phone as texted him. He was in pain. And I felt in pain, as pain demands to be
felt.
I kept him company, feeling as if that’s what I
should be doing, because, if it was me, I would want the same thing. So I gave
him my attention, I texted him first day and night, asked him if he has taken
his meds, if he’s been eating well or not, and so on just to keep him company.
But as the days went on, his replies became shorter, and he took a while to
reply; and I felt forgotten, replaced, and unappreciated.
I took a deep breath, and let it go and remind
myself that I’m doing this because I want to, and that I’m not expecting anything
in return; even when my heart aches at the thought of him.
He was absent for more than a week, and came
back to school on Tuesday. I kept close watch on him, wanting to make sure that
he was doing fine and that he was not in any pain. But It was obvious that he
was, seeing how slow he was walking and how he kept on putting his hand on the
right side of his hips.
At that moment, I thought to myself, “am I
really in love with him?” and I answered, maybe yes, maybe definitely, maybe
so. But it doesn’t matter, as his well being is a lot more important than my
feelings.
When I got back home, I hesitated to text him.
As I thought that now that he’s out of the hospital, maybe I should stop
texting him, and wait for him to text me back? But he never did. I felt
troubled, and I couldn’t focus on my studies because these things that I’m
feeling is influencing my brain and I kept on thinking about him. Is he looking
at me? Probably not, maybe yes. Take a look, no, stop.
He’s distracting, yet I feel distracted without
him.
I didn’t want our relationship to be the same
as mine with the old heartbreak; therefore I made a conclusion that I’m going
to settle these things with him. With a deep breath, I pressed the send button
as I climbed up the stairs up to my class at tuition.
He replied a little while later, and as I tried
talking to him, he ensure me that there was nothing to be worried about; it’s
just him in confusion. My heart can’t help but to ache at that as a lot of
people are in confusion because of me, and I am literally, sick of that. But that’s
not important right now, what important is that I get a clear answer that won’t
make me get a headache just by thinking about it.
Unfortunately, I didn’t. I wanted to push him
for more answers, but it seems as if I’m bothering him; so I stopped and told
myself that this is enough information.
I continue to be the one who texts him first as
he makes no effort at all to keep in touch with me, I told him how my day went
and what I’m doing and stuff, but he shows no sense of any interest.
By Monday, the first day of the midterm
examination started, and that day was a lot similar to the first day of the
monthly examination that I had this year; when I was in a fight with the old
heartbreak. Days went on, and we have not texted each other since then. I told
myself that it’s not my fault that things turn out this way. He was the one who
told me that he was going try, so if he still want me in his life then he’ll
make an effort. If he doesn’t want to, then I won’t do or say anything. It’s
his choice. I’m supposed to be prepared for this. A part of my heart was, but a
part of it wasn’t.
I tried not to search for him at school, but
somehow when I turn my head, my eyes automatically saw his silhouette. I look
at him only when he’s in the middle of writing, or when he’s look the other
way. There were times when I caught him looking at me, only for a second
though, and it got my heart skipped a beat and my head became frantic. Was he
looking at me the whole time? Does his eyes search for me too as mine search
for him? Or was it just my eyes playing tricks on me? Or was it something
behind me?
There was this one specific moment, on Monday
where everyone was busy designing the class with banners and stickers, when I felt
so, so, s o very alone and; it was as if I’m an outsider. I couldn’t
stand being in the class at that moment, so I purposely picked up a few pieces
of paper scattered on the floor, went out to throw them out and wander around
the school; just to be by myself for a while. After I threw out the crumbled
papers in the rubbish bin, I thought maybe I’d take one last look of him before
I start to wander, and there he was; looking at me, searching for me. The second
I saw him, I turned my head and walk down the stairs.
Was he looking for me? Am I the person he was
searching for? Maybe not, maybe it was somebody in front of me, maybe.
This could be the reason why my heart is so
tired. My heart, my body, and why my mind was so tired. Maybe it’s because I fall
too easily, and because I have too much of a high expectations. Maybe it was
also because I believe too easily. A friend told me once, that it’s a normal
thing for guys to treat a girl special for a few days, and act as if nothing
happened for the rest of your life.
The moment I read that, I felt a somewhat pang
in my heart. Like, how could I be stupid to fall for something like this? I felt
like I’m the most idiot girl in the world.
This was not the only reason to why I’m feeling
so depressed lately. It doesn’t only concern my boy problems, it’s somehow, concerns
everything that surrounds me; my friends, my studies, my families..
I know that it’s stupid to think or to even
feel like this but I can’t help to notice that I am only needed when it has
something to do with school, let it be homework and tasks given by teachers, especially
with Bella. In a class where Bella is reunited with her former friends; Anis,
Dayana and Adriana, I felt isolated and is only needed when it has something to
do with school work. I felt envious of their relationship. I felt alone, and I felt
as if I was being used.
She once asked me whether she did anything
wrong to me or not; and I didn’t know how to answer it. Should I tell her what I’ve
been feeling around her all this while? Or should I just ignore my feelings and
deny everything that I’ve been feeling?
And at that moment I thought, what right do I have
to be jealous of her and her friends? If I tell her how I feel, would it affect
my relationship with her? How will she act around me when she sees me at
school? Will she treat me differently just to take care of my heart, or will
she look at me differently now?
And so I decided to forget my feelings, and put
hers’ first.
Not only was it with Bella, but I have been
burdening this one person for as far as I could remember and I hate the feeling
as if I’m a burden to somebody. She has been such a good friend to me and God, I’m
an asshole. I literally am. Never once have I felt as if I belonged in
4Aristotle, I feel like a stranger there.
And the midterm exam oh gosh, I feel like I’m
not doing good enough. I can feel myself going under, getting worse than
before.
Never have I felt this tired in my life before.
I have even prayed to God that if one day I die, I wouldn’t really care
anymore. Even when I know that I still have a lot to do before I face my
Creator, but that was that one point where I just feel so tired, I don’t really
care anymore. That’s bad of me isn’t it? I’m an awful person haha.
But that isn’t the point why I’m writing this
post, I’m writing this post because, I want to clear my mind and to think about
what I should do from now on.
I—to be very honest, I don’t know what I should
do with him. I don’t know how he truly feels right now about me, I don’t know
whether he still has feelings for me or not. But what I do know is that, I won’t
live my life waiting anymore. I, am, literally
tired of waiting, and I know that there will come a time where I will have to
wait again but right now, my studies are far more important to me; my studies
and my family. Therefore, I do not have time to deal with this.
To me, effort and consistency are very
important. So, if he’s not going to show me any efforts of wanting to keep me
in his life, then I won’t bother. Again, he’s the one who said that he’s going
to try. There was this one quote that I saw that says, if a person’s heart
changes easily, then it’s not love. It’s a mutual feeling.
All I really want is effort. That’s all. That’s
why, I was so depressed when it was with the old heartbreak..
xo
(P/s: I was supposed to be posting this
yesterday, but I got sleepy so, ahah)
Labels: daily rant of wan aida, f:syazwan, guy problems
