Friday, 10 April 2015
@ 21:58
comment?(0)
Assalamualaikum.
I told myself everyday that I want to do
better, I want to be better. Better than I was yesterday. I want to be
livelier, smile more, and treat people nicely. I don’t want others to feel the
pain that I’ve felt—being ignored, been taken for granted, and not feeling
appreciated. That is, including him.
Every time I performed my solat, I kept on
praying for God to make me forget him just like how he forgets me, and to erase
these lingering feelings that I have left for him. But somehow, I kept on
seeing his face lately. It’s as if, God wants me to remember him. It’s as if,
He doesn’t want me to forget him; but why? God knows how bad I’ve been feeling
lately and He knows how much I want to get over him; so why?
This leads to me being confused about my own
feelings; regarding what I want in life, and what I need. This also leads me to
not knowing whether my actions are right or wrong doings. I became cautious of
my actions and my anxiety starts to kick hard. My head are not able to think
straight and my heart starts beating rapidly.
There were this one time, where Nurin and I
were about to go back to our class, when suddenly I saw him in front of me. I
didn’t know what to do. So I turned back, called for Nurin, and walk ahead
ignoring his existence next to me. As we reached our class, my mind and my
heart weren’t in peace. I kept on thinking back and forth, was that the right
thing to do? If I didn’t ignore him, what would have happened? Would he look at
me? Would he ignore my existence too? Or would our eyes meet and our hearts do
the talking?
I tried convincing myself that I didn’t ignore
him, and then he would ignore me. And if he ignores me, then I would be the one
broken hearted. But then again, even when I ignored him, why am I feeling in
despair? Was it wrong for me to ignore him? Should I have smiled at him
instead? Or should I just kept down my head and not look at him?
Starting from then, I started to think: what is
it that I truly want? I told myself that I want to get over him, then why do I
keep on thinking about how he would feel when I ignored him? Why do I keep on
thinking if he’s starting to miss me or not? There were countless of questions
in my head, but I can’t think of any answers.
But then again if I keep on think about his
feelings, then what about my feelings?
When will the time come where I will put my happiness first? So I
decided that insyaAllah from now on, I will think with my brain concerning my
feelings and my happiness first. Then will I think about others.
So putting him aside, I thought earlier that
today will be the last day where I will think about this. I can’t live like
this anymore. With the midterm exam coming up in a month time, I need to be
able to think straight and to focus.
I know that deep down, I still want him in my
life; and that I still want us to be the way we were before; but knowing that
he spread a rumor about me playing him, that’s just—absurd. I trusted him
before and after we became like this, but now I just can’t. I’m disappointed
with his behavior. But that’s the thing. I can’t seem to get mad at him for
long. I can never get mad at somebody for a long period of time. That just
sucks right? Well, that’s one of the cons of being me. Ha.
But anyway after this, I’m gonna try my best to
put myself first, and to be a better person.
xo
(P/s: this entry was supposed to be posted last
night, but I got tired so I went to bed first haha.)
Labels: daily rant of wan aida, f:farriz, guy problems
