Friday, 13 March 2015
@ 01:18
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She never knew why she was doing mathematics. She used to like mathematics, but now that she’s in her fourth year of school and where everything starts to change, mathematics is becoming somewhat hard; and troublesome. So she sits back on her chair and sighs.

She sighs a lot lately.

This is tiring, she thought. It’s funny though. Everything that she does tires her. She heard someone said before, do something that you love. But what if that one thing that you love, tires you? What do you do then?

She lost interest in things that used to lighten her heart.

God why am I like this? She said as she covers her face inside her palms. She’s been like this since last week. Full of 14 days of sighs and questions inside her head which were never answered. She grabbed her charging phone and clicks the WeChat app. There seems to be no new messages, only a few from those who she could care less. She looks at his icon, and another sigh came out from her mouth as she turns off her phone. He seems to be doing fine.

It’s been like this ever since they last fought. He seems to be doing fine with his life, laughing and having fun with his friends; going out with his relatives and spend hours wasting time playing games like nothing happened, while she spend every minute of her life since then talking and laughing with her friends, with the thought of laughing with him in her mind; staring out the windows as she has nothing to do while thinking about her memories with him.

It’s really sad that things turn out like this. She put in countless of effort to fix whatever that was broken between them, but he seems like he likes the way things are now. She apologizes for her mistakes, and did her best to express whatever she was feeling into words in order for him to understand, but he seems like he doesn’t care anymore.

Maybe I should stop, she sighs again.

What good does it bring if I keep on thinking about him, if I keep on thinking about ways to bring us together back when he won’t even listen anymore? She thinks about the moment when they were walking back from school, talking as if there were no one else other than the both of them.

But then again, he’s the only person who have every made her feel this way. He’s the only person who’s kind enough to treat her to Subway. He’s the only person who cares enough to listen to her needs and put hers first. He’s the only person who cares enough to accompany her so that she won’t be alone.

Stupid as it sounds, she could never think of any other guy (besides her father) who can make her feel so secure, and confident like he can. Because somehow, when she’s with him, she feels really comfortable. She loves how his stupid jokes could make her laugh so easily, and that he could make her smile and blush all the way home. She loves that feeling.

But she lost it now.

To a mistake of hers where she was too tied with her emotions, until she forgot about his, and hurt his feelings.


But he’s not the guy that she thought he is. She thought that he accepts every part of her, the bad side and the good side. But he didn’t.

“It’s up to you now, it doesn’t matter if I fight back or not, you’d fight back anyway. I don’t know anymore da, sometimes we got to know somebody’s real personality when they’re mad. I thought that you’re a decent girl, I thought that you’re hard to get, but I guess I was wrong.”


He was also the first person who said that she’s cheap.

That broke her.



She went to school that day feeling insecure, and hopeless. She went to school that day without any confidence in herself as she thought about all of the things that he said. She went to school that day feeling weak.

Her school had a Yasin program that day as it was Friday, and as she was reading, she felt like she wanted to cry.


Oh God, I don’t know what I should do… should I stay and wait for him, or should I get back up on my feet and leave him behind? Tell me so that I could wake up without feeling sad, give me an answer so that I could go to school without feeling nervous. Give me a hint so that I won’t feel so hopeless anymore.


As everybody stands up to go back to their classroom, she sat there, looking at him laughing at his friend. He looks so happy, that’s good right? I thought I’d be happy if he’s happy, why am I suffering then?

As she kept on looking, he turns his head as if he’s searching for someone, and their eyes met.

1,

2,

And he looked away.


What does he want? He seems so happy with his life, yet he seems to be searching for me. He gives me so much hope oh God what do I do? He replies to my messages as if I’m a bother, as if he’s trying to say that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, but here he is, looking at me with those eyes. God, what does he want? Please make it clear to me so that I would be able to live with ease again.






xo

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