in other words;
Saturday, 28 March 2015
@ 07:47
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Assalamualaikum


I’m not really sure if I’m doing any good lately. I mean like, on Monday I’m sure I was kind of like—depressed a bit. But as you can see on Tuesday, our school have this like an event where every rumah sukan ada latihan diorg. So, my rumah sukan, which is Laksamana have their practice on Tuesday. Unfortunately (can’t believe I’m using that word on him), my rumah sukan is the same as him.

So late that evening, I skipped the practice with Adriana and stayed at her house till 5:30PM. It was fun. We had kind of like a heart to heart talk. I kinda like told myself to not talk about him to Adriana anymore because I don’t really want to bother her life with my problems anymore. But then again, sigh I don’t know it kinda like, came out on its own.

Maybe it’s because I was fasting at that time so I was kinda like, tired and just let it out hahahaha.


But anyway yeah the talk made me kinda cry??? I don’t know! Hahahaha. But yeah the talk kinda like opened my eyes a bit I don’t know how but it did.

So I made up my mind to finally move on. Because you know, I’m just—tired la to live like this anymore. Yes I still feel guilty and yes I still want things to be the way it was before; but I can’t stay like this forever now can I?

The time won’t wait for me. Life keeps on moving. It won’t stop and wait for me to get back up on my feet.


So I took a really deep breath with my eyes closed, and decided to move on with a smile. I forgive every wrong doings he has done towards me whether it’s physically or mentally or emotionally, and I prayed for God to move his heart to forgive whatever wrong doings I have done towards him.


When Wednesday came, the first thing that registers my mind in the morning was still him. But I don’t feel anxious anymore; instead I repeat what I told my heart yesterday and got up from my bed. I saw my KRS uniform and I thought of wearing it that day but then I thought of him and I remembered the first time I wore it this year. It was because of him. Same goes for the days that went on. It was all because of him. He probably wouldn’t wear it today; I thought to myself and decided not to wear it as I thought that it will bring memories.


My eyes and heart still searches for him, but my stomach doesn’t turn as much as it did before; and I don’t feel as sad as I did before when he doesn’t meet my eyes.

I was right; he didn’t wear his KRS uniform. But at the end of the day, he changed his clothes to the KRS uniform. Oh, so he’ll attend today’s koko. I didn’t. I was fasting that day.


The next day, I sneaked a peek at his class and he wasn’t there. Maybe he’s late, and I went through the day with no glance of him. He’s absent huh?

Only at the end of the day I got to know that he was chosen for the kem negeri. I can’t help but to feel disappointed as now I know that he won’t be telling me things now. That proves that he’s finally over me. I’m glad.


The camp went on for 3 days.


Every time after I performed my solat, I prayed so that God will help me forget him and that He will protect him from any harm.



The week went on peacefully. Yes, my heart still skips a beat when a friend of him or mine mentioned his name, or when I suddenly heard his voice calling for me (in my head); but I don’t get those anxious feeling in the morning anymore, and I don’t feel my stomach turning and shortness of breath. I could finally go through the day feeling like everything is okay now.

I still think of him sometimes. I still think of us being friends again. I still think of the possibilities of “us”.


But it doesn’t get bad anymore.  


I’m not sure if I’m waiting for him, or not. But what I do know is that, I literally do want to get over him. What I do know is that, I still care for him and I still want to know his well being, but I literally do want to get over him.


In other words, I’m doing fine.


I’m hoping that next Monday, even when he’s present to school, and even if my eyes still searches for him, and even if sometimes the thought of him popped in my head or when his voice echoes in my ear calling for my name, I can still go through the day without shortness of breath, rapid heart beating and stomach turning with the feeling of anxiety conquering my body.







xo





(p/s: I got 4As in my awal tahun exam!!!! How bizarre is that oh my goodness. I’m so, so, so praying that later on I can do a lot better than this one. Wish me luck guys!) 

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