Thursday, 1 January 2015
@ 20:06
comment?(0)
assalamualaikum
Happy New Year you guys!!!!
Happy New Year you guys!!!!
Well, that’s a first hahahahahaha. So anyway, you guys probably didn’t know what
has been going on for these few days lately so as much as I don’t want to, I’m
to tell you guys. This is for my sake. I’m feeling a bit down now after ryan
higa posted a video of him playing the naruto sad ost on ig and suddenly everything
that happened last year somehow just, slapped me in the face lol. And now I’m
listening to a fma intro/ending fanmix on 8tracks and I have this feeling like I
want to watch the whole thing again but damn fma just have too many episodes I don’t
even remember which episode I’m watching now.
For your information, I failed science. Yes,
science. My favourite subject. How could I fail such a subject? Well you tell
me. I don’t even know. Okay I know. But it’s not entirely my fault. God I’ve been telling this to everyone but I just kept on
feeling that everyone doesn’t believe in me.
Of course la they don’t. It’s stupid for
me to blame it on the government. But betul la kan, for 2 years kerajaan ckp
there will be no exams for form 3s. Just PBS. Dengan PBS ni je pun dh peningkan
kepala ni tiba-tiba out of nowhere dia nk adakan PT3. Haih. Aku pun cam, ok
whatever aku tk kisah.
Which is not true of course la aku kisah
kalau aku tk kisah I wouldn’t be writing about this kan? So anyway when I was
in form 3, diorg dh annoucekan that ada exam. That, PT3 thing. So aku just,
okay ada exam. Then after all practice and revision and things, one month
before the actual PT3, baru diorang keluarkan the official format. I’m sO PISSED
OFF But I can’t really do anything so I just, accept je la kan.
Everybody was panicking like, how the
hell kau nk master semua question KBAT diorg ni in just one month? Ok bukan
master but familiar kan diri korg? It’s almost impossible! So we just did what
we have to do. And when the actual PT3 arrives, fortunately we survived.
God why do I feel like such an idiot bila
cerita pasal benda ni hahahahaha.
Andbutso when the day where the PT3
results came out, the results was bad! Like, really bad! Especially for
science! I thank god so much that I’m not the only one who failed science. You
can say that almost none of my batch got an A for science. Okay maybe ada but I
don’t know I don’t go around the school budging my face in front of everybody
asking them about their results. Hello, respect people’s privacy please. I don’t
even know if “budging” is the right word to describe what I’m thinking lol. But
anyway! When I saw the F in my results, I wasn’t that surprised. Because when I
sit for the examination, science was really hard. Even when I tried to remember
every single thing that I studied before, I just, I don’t know it’s not like I can’t
remember it, it’s mostly like I’m, not confident in my answer??? But it was
really hard. It literally was.
I didn’t expect for any of my family
members to understand what I’m going through and accept my results. Because it
was really bad and so if they got
mad, or if they’re disappointed in me, I’d just, accept it. I know myself. I’m
not as good as my sister; I’m not as smart as her. So, I just.. all the way in
school I just kept on putting the thoughts of my parents getting disappointed and
ashamed at me in the back of my mind.
But I never thought that it’d be this
bad. When my mom started to speak, and when I started to back myself up, I realized
that it’s no use. It’s no use trying to explain to my mom of what I’m going
through. It’s no use trying to explain to her how the system works. It’s no
use. She wouldn’t understand. It’s me that’s going through everything. It’s me
that understands what I’m going through. So I just sat there, with the lump in
my throat, and beads of tears forming in my eye ready to fall down my cheeks.
And when I got into my room, I just break
down. I cried and cried and cried. And I want to sleep. But then I thought,
what would my mom think if she went into my room and saw my pillow wet and saw
me sleeping? How could I be sleeping in this kind of situation?? So after a few
hours of crying, I talked with Farahin on the phone and I gained my courage
back. I gained my strength back, although it was fragile. I wiped my tears
away, changed my clothes, cleaned my room and began to study.
And oh ya! I got myself into a science
class. I know right how could someone who failed science get into a science
class? That’s absurd! But I’ve wanted to be in a science class for my whole life! I can’t give it up so easily! Being
a doctor is my dream. I want to save lives!
At least, that’s what I thought. I don’t even
know my dream anymore.
The next day, my mom and I went to my
school to meet my teacher. After a few talks, the teacher said maybe this is a mistake.
I was devastated. I don’t want it to be a mistake! My mind was filled with
questions but when the teacher said that I’d be better off in an account class,
my mind went blank. The only word in my mind was, “no”.
No.
No no no
I don’t want to be in an account class. I’m
bad at account! I’m bad at art and and if I enter account class, my dream would
be just, a dream. It won’t come true. So my teacher said that he’d try to do
something about this and to talk with my mom. I don’t want to recall our talk
it hurts me so much. So then that day I cried my eyes out again. I almost give
up. I even did things that I thought I won’t ever do. How stupid of me. I don’t
know if my mom noticed it or not, but I think she did. But I don’t know she
didn’t say anything to me for a few days. But we’re cool now.
But that’s not what I wanted to talk
about here. I don’t want to talk about my relationship with my mom and what
because thank god everything is fine now. The one thing that I’m not sure is,
what am I going to be in the near future?
I’ve been bragging to my mom and dad and
my grandma that I’m going to save lives and I’m going to help my mom and dad
when they’re in pain and stuff but.. now?? I don’t even know anymore.
I realized how hard it is to be a doctor.
And I now know how big the responsibilities of a doctor are. I still think that
being a doctor I so damn amazing. Like damn doctors are the person who give
hopes to those who desperately need it. But I just, what am I going to be now?
xo
(p/s: i'm watching Big Windup! now and gosh it's amazing! sobs i myself have been in a baseball club and a tournament and Mihashi boo i know exactly how you feel i love u so much bb u is kind u is smart u is precious ok b u is precious muah)
Labels: daily rant of wan aida
