Thursday, 8 December 2016
@ 08:51
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I have not forgotten about you
ok.
Ok that is a lie you know it
HAHAHAHA
I do remember you sometimes
cam at times I would buka my blog and terigt that I was supposed to update once
a month but knowing me: once I tak ikut routine I won’t really do it LOLMAO
SORRY HAHAHA
But since it’s gonna be the
end of the year soon, I thought maybe I should la post one or two posts. This
one and the __ things in ____ so look forward to it pls!! hahahaha
Sebenarnya I had a thought
about what to write but now that I’m actually writing I don’t really know la
nak write mcm mana. Like, I know what I’m gonna write: I wanna write about some
of the stuffs that happened this year, specifically this one thing that
happened. But the thing is, I don’t feel like it anymore. Dia mcm yes tp no ha
hahahaha Tp whatever lah I’m just gonna do it.
I’m not gonna write in detail
ok so em long story short there was this one guy who is one year younger than
me and has been crushing on me since I can remember. I hadn’t really cared
about it at first until the end of July when we started to talk to each other.
Days had passed and suddenly I had a thing for him. Everything went well until
one day I found out he had a girlfriend. I was devastated but the next day, his
girlfriend broke up with him. And so our friendship continued until one day we
fell into a relationship. Things went well and I was on cloud 9 each day. I did
things I never knew I would do but I didn’t care because it was him, I’m doing
it with someone that I love. But little did I know he had been keeping in touch
with his ex. I tried to believe him and put aside my negative thoughts.
Unfortunately, feelings were starting to fade, doubts were rising, honesty
didn’t mean a thing, getting betrayed was a constant and effort no longer had a
meaning in this relationship. And so, we broke up.
There were days where I was
doing fine, but there were also days where the dark side of me got a hold of
me.
Since then, I know that I will
never be the same anymore. I’m a changed person and he is the reason why. I’m
not the old Aida anymore.
The old Aida would still cling
onto hope and think positively of the person who hurt her countless times. The
old Aida would cry every night thinking about the “what ifs”. The old Aida
would give countless chances, hoping for a better outcome even when she knows
that it’s the opposite that would happen. The old Aida would kneel down, pick
up pieces of her broken heart and try to mend it back together all on her own.
The old Aida would still try, and believe in love.
Sadly, that’s not her anymore.
Her mended heart broke again,
now in smithereens where the pieces are too small, they were unable to be put
back together. Even if mending the heart is a possible matter, it will for sure
take a long time.
She stopped clinging onto hope
and faith when she knew hope and faith had no interest in her. She stopped
believing the words that came out from people’s mouth because she knew, words
are merely words. When she listens to love songs, or when somebody tries
to talk things through with her, she only laughs it off as if it she’s
listening to a stand-up comedy.
Every now and then she feels
pity for herself, she misses her old self: the person who loves the thought of
love and the idea of being in love. The person who laughs the shy away when she
thinks of the person who she have such intimate feelings for, she misses the
girl who has so much life in her eyes.
There were days where she
wanted to believe again. Days where she wanted to cling onto hope again, and
give second chances because “everybody makes mistakes.” There were days where
she wanted to try again, because “you never know until you try.”
But those thoughts were
vanished quickly when she remembers the nights she suffered trying to calm her
anxiety alone, the nights she cried herself to sleep; the days where she had to
held back her tears because she’s surrounded by her friends and she didn’t want
to worry them. The days where she had to fake a laugh, fake a smile, just
because she didn’t want to be a burden.
She remembers the lies he told
her, she remembers the empty promises he gave her, she remembers the insincere
love he showers her with; and she no longer feel sorry for herself because she
realizes that nobody can really love her.
Nobody can really understand
her, the choices she makes, the feelings she’s feeling, the situations she’s
going through, the thoughts running in her mind, the doubts in her heart, nobody
can understand it.
And so she made the decision,
to build walls around her, and to trust none. She made the decision to not get
attached, and to not have feelings for anyone. She made the decision to not
believe in words, or efforts. She made the decision to keep it all inside, and
to not depend on anybody else. She made the decision to not hope for a miracle
and to devour whatever pain the reality had in mind for her. She made the decision
to protect, whatever that’s left, whatever that can be protected.
Kesian sebenarnya eh ckp
Melayu balik???, bila fikir balik. Sbb now, whenever kengkawan dia ckp dgn
dia pasal crush depa ka, bf/gf depa ka, Aida ni dia—melayan kan aje. Yela, nak
jadi kawan yg baik kan. Tp bila aku perhatikan, kalau Aida yg lama, she would
think about it thoroughly and such. Bukan nak kata Aida yg skrg ni tak pikiaq
betui betui, dia pikiaq betui betui sbb yela ni kes kawan dia kan dia pun nak
ler jaga hati. Tp aku perasan that bila Aida ni dgr masalah kengkawan dia ni,
dalam hati dia, ada je suara yg kata, “heh semua lelaki mcm tu” “ala biasa lah,
lelaki mana nak jujur” “berharap sgt buat pa” “siapa suruh percaya sgt”
Ada ja kata kata cenggitu.
Sedih. Kesian.
Tp nak buat mcm mana, hati ni
betui betui dah sakit. Dah penat sgt dah, tak sanggup dah beb. Aku rasa kesian
dkt lelaki yg seterusnya ni, tp tahlah lantak ko lah. Kalau lelaki seterusnya
ni end up pergi gak ha aku rasa aku tak terkejut dah. Kalau terkejut gak aku
taktahu lah hahahahahaha
Penat la beb hahahah skrg ni
dah pukul 1248AM pukul tiga nnt nak siap pukul empat taxi dtg pukul tujuh
boarding pukul lapan flight insyaAllah pukul empat ptg sampai kat jepUN KAWAN
KAWAN HAHAHAHAHA DOA SEMUA NYA SELAMAT SAHAJA YA HEHEHE INSYAALLAH EVERYTHING
GOES AS PLANNED HEHEHEHEHEHE BYE KAWAN KAWAN ASSALAMUALAIKUM HEHEHE
xo
