Thursday, 3 December 2015
@ 00:54
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Assalamualaikum.
So here I am sitting in my room listening
to countless playlist on the holidays. The holidays this year are kind of
boring since we’re (my family and I) are not going anywhere this time, and so here
are some of the activities I did during the weekend:
1. Watched Boruto:
Naruto the Movie with kakak!!!! It was so
much fun and I cried!! Of course I’ll cry who am I kidding hahaha
2. Spent 4 days
reading the new bae; All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. The book will
literally make you craving for more, and by ‘more’ I meant it will make you
crave for more of Finch and Violet. These two tore me apart and gosh, I don’t
know how to express these bottled up feelings for ATBP so you gotta read it
yourself!
3. Celebrated Afiqah’s
birthday with my friends (Zulaiqa, Aina and Farahin) and her boyfriend, Shafiq
as the main present. It was so much fun!!
4. Study.
I’ve been doing #4 for a while now and I
feel like my brain is going to shut down. Not because of hours and hours of
studying but because there has been a lot of things going on in my mind and I don’t
know what I’m going to do????
In case you didn’t know, this years’ SPM
was hard as fuck. Like, literally a lot of people kept on complaining about it
on the media social and to be very honest; it scared the hell out of me. I don’t
know what I’m going to do, I don’t know how
I’m going to do and I honestly just don’t
know.
I kept on thinking of the past back to
when I was in standard 5. If only I studied harder, I would have got 5As on
UPSR. And if only I paid more attention at school and actually spent a lot of
time studying than scrolling tumblr for hours, I could have probably gotten at
least a D on science on PT3. If only I didn’t let my mind wander off so much
and actually use my time to study and revise and actually take notes, I could
have done a lot better on my tests; but no, I wasted a lot of time doing
useless things that could make me happy only for a moment and end up screwed
myself over. This is the moment where I could really say that I am, disappointed
in myself.
Thinking about the SPM made my mind go
blank. Suddenly I don’t know what to study, I don’t know how to study, I don’t know what I’m going to pursue after high
school, I don’t know where I’m going to go after high school, and I don’t know
what I’m going to be. Yes I know that I kept on telling myself from middle
school that I want to study science and be a doctor, but now? I’m not so sure
anymore..
I wasn’t really hoping for much but when I
checked my results at SAPS, I didn’t know what to say. I’m really falling
behind guys, I really am. The moment my eyes lay on those texts, I can feel
something inside of my disappear. I’m not joking guys, I’m not making some
exaggerating sentences up just to make it sound cool—I am being serious. You know
what disappeared?
My faith in myself.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I
know that I’m really interested in science. I really do, but—I don’t know what
to do guys.. Every time I study I kept on thinking, “am I going to remember
this?” “will this really stick in my head?” “what if I don’t remember?” “what
if I’m not going to get any better?” “what
if in the end, this will all be worthless?” I can’t stop thinking them and
bit by bit as the time pass by, the confidence that I had found is slowly
fading away.
Every time I see my parents, I can’t help
but to feel guilty deep down; knowing that I can’t make them be proud of me.
Labels: daily rant of wan aida
